College Is Done. I am Lost.

I finished my Level 3 Diploma this summer. "Pass-Pass," if you're wondering, and yes, I know exactly how unglamorous that sounds next to a Distinction in Unit 1. I don't care. It's done, it's mine, and it closes out a stretch of my life that started back in 2021 and, weirdly, only just actually finished a few months ago – because GCSE Maths took its sweet time catching up with the rest of me.

Eight sittings. Summer after summer, November after November, the same exam hall energy, the same "right, let's see if this is the one." I passed the modules that mattered to me first – the ones with code and logic and systems I actually cared about – and dragged Maths along behind like a stubborn dog on a lead. It finally landed a 4 this past November. Four years after I started it. I sat that last one somewhere else entirely, mentally – not in a place I'd wish on anyone, not somewhere I could've told you I was doing fine – and I still passed it. That's not a story about perseverance I'd sell you in an inspirational poster. It's just what happened. Some things take exactly as long as they take, and some of them you pass while barely present for your own life. You keep showing up until they stop.

Here's the thing nobody quite tells you about "finishing education": it doesn't feel like finishing anything, not at first. There's no bell. No cap thrown in the air. I actually finished the diploma over a month ago, and it barely registered – a distant admin task, ticked off. The chapter didn't actually close then. It closed today, of all the undramatic ways it could – the certificate landed on the doormat in a stiff card envelope, and I opened it, looked at it, and shrugged. Except the shrug wasn't the whole truth. Underneath it, something quieter and heavier landed too: that this was it, the actual, physical end of something that had been running since before I can remember not being in it. The actual work – the thing that's supposedly been building toward this moment – was never really happening in the classroom in the first place. It was happening at 23:00 in a text editor, in repositories nobody assigned me, in a Discord server full of people building tools nobody asked them to build either. College ran alongside that the whole time, not underneath it.

The education hallway of my life is closed now, for real this time. And somewhere in that same envelope, unspoken, was the fact that childhood is just gone.

After I put the cert down, I did the thing I do when I don't know what to feel about something: I opened two tabs and just stared. One was my GitHub, all those repos going back years. The other was my poetry anthology – coming up on 180 pieces or something like that now, since the 9th of February 2020. Neither of those has anything to do with a Cambridge Technical Diploma. Both of them have everything to do with who I actually am. A piece of paper arrived today for the thing I did alongside my life. Those two tabs are the thing I did with it.

I'm not going to dress this next part up. Right now I'm a bit lost. Not about the technical stuff – that part I know how to do, that part is the two open tabs. I mean lost in the wider sense, the one that doesn't have a repo or a rhyme scheme to organise itself into. There's a door behind me that's properly shut now, in a way it wasn't a month ago, and I don't fully know what to do with that yet. I'm not going to pretend I've turned it into a neat lesson already, because I haven't. I'm just standing in the hallway a bit, noticing it's a lot quieter than it used to be.

Five years of open-source work sit next to those qualifications now, and if I'm honest, the qualifications feel like the smaller achievement – not because they don't matter, but because they were never where the real learning was happening. The diploma taught me how to sit an exam about databases. The five years taught me what happens when your database actually falls over in production and you're the only one awake to fix it.

Still. I'm not going to pretend the paper doesn't matter, because it does, structurally, to the people who'll be reading my CV in a few weeks. I actually sat down and updated that CV properly today too, folded the diploma in, tightened it up. Barring something unexpected, that's probably the last time I touch it in a long time – the next time it changes, it'll hopefully be because someone's already hired me, not because I'm still trying to get someone to. There's a strange finality in that too, closing the CV file the same day the cert came through the post. It's the thing that gets me through a door I've already built half a career's worth of evidence to walk through anyway. That's an odd kind of relationship to have with a qualification – grateful for what it opens, slightly detached from what it actually taught you.

So what does closing this chapter actually mean, practically? It means autumn is job-hunting season now, for real, not hypothetically. It means the five years of pkgs and wolfram and Minecraft plugins and self-hosted infrastructure stop being "stuff I do" and start being "stuff I'm trying to get paid for," which is its own strange shift I'm still sitting with. Coding felt safer than the creative path when I chose it – a skill that couldn't be waved away as impractical. I still believe that. I'm about to find out if the market agrees.

There's no tidy bow on this, and I'm not going to force one on. I'm not transformed. I don't have the next chapter titled yet. A card envelope arrived, I shrugged, and underneath the shrug a door I'd been walking through my whole life quietly clicked shut. That's the honest shape of today – not a triumph, not a crisis, just a hallway gone quiet behind me and me still working out what to do with the sound of that. The actual chapter – the one where I taught myself to build software because nothing else looked survivable – never really closes. It just quietly picks up its next page and keeps going, paperwork or not, lost or not.